Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
