last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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