No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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