Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
