The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
