I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
