Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
