I have demons in me.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
