I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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