Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
