Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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