Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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