Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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