Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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