am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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