I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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