for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He uses pillows to masturbate.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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