i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
