you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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