It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
