Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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