Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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