She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
