I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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