Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
