fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
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You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
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Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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