i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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