It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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