piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
