Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
