and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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