Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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