I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
