my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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