I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
