Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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