We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
