youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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