Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
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