i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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