even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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