morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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