I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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