that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
