i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
