I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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