i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
50% drunk capacity currently
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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