Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
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