im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
