you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
