I could have mohawked her pubes.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
