I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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