I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
