Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
