dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
