Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
