bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
